Monday, November 28, 2011
As a culture, we rightly celebrate women's fertility. A woman of child-bearing age is considered the most beautiful of all. Think Jennifer Lopez. I've never looked anything like her, but the thing is, she is beautiful in this picture largely because she looks so fertile.
As for me, I never took my fertility for granted due to medical issues. It was miraculous that modern medicine had advanced enough by the time I was married to enable me to ovulate and thus, become pregnant.
The truth is, I haven't been pregnant in eight years; I suffered my second miscarriage on our second son's fourth birthday. Still, my husband and I held out hope we might have more children. For many years, I grieved over the children I would never raise - the two we lost before birth and the ones we never were blessed with.
It took several years of yearning, but I finally came to accept the blessings God has showered me with. Really, do I deserve any of this? The loyal funny husband? Our bright and beautiful sons?
While I am delighted my two closest colleagues at work are pregnant with their first children, I no longer long to bear babies. I understand now there are many ways to express my deep desire for maternity, my need to nurture others and leave a bit my journey in this world. In fact, this was part of the reason I switched careers at midlife so I could teach special education students.
From a medical perspective, my fitful nights are due to fluctuating hormones. From a spiritual perspective, I see this change of life as God's way of reminding me it is time to say farwell to my fertility.
Thank you God, for this beautiful gift. I hope I have used it well. Thank you for enabling me to give birth and for blessing my life with wonderful children - the boys I birthed and the children in front of me every day at school.